Why I Don’t Use Missing E

facts-i-just-made-up:

Quite a few people have written in letting me know about an extension called “Missing e” that fills in a number of functions that tumblr seems to lack, ones I could be using for this blog.  I’d like to thank all who wrote but also I want to take some time to explain why I don’t use it, and never will.

You may have noticed that tumblr has sort of declared war on it.  They forbid its use in the terms and conditions, post a good deal of requests not to use it, blame it for any technical problems and so on and so forth.  Naturally I was curious as to why they went above and beyond the the typical disdain for third party software.  What I found gave me a lot of sympathy for tumblr and a severe disdain for that little bit of code called Missing e.

When David Karp and Hans Delbrück first began coding tumblr in 2006, there were a couple of crucial differences from what we use today.  The most important being that it had all the features now supplied by this extension.  Shortly before the platform went online, Delbrück was killed in a car accident on his way to server office.  With him in his coat pocket, he had updates to the code for the selected features.  Karp was aware of this and upon providing a positive identification for his friend and co-worker at the morgue, he reached into the pocket of the deceased and tried to withdraw the pages of code, in order to finish the work.

The body’s hand leapt forward and seized his wrist.  Delbrück was determined to take the code to the grave with him.  Karp leapt back and grabbed a bone saw, stunned and in disbelief, he plunged the whirring blade into the zombie arm of the man he once knew.  A surge of vile gore splattered his face, the hot blood stained his skin.  But he pressed on, inward because he had to save the code.  Finally Delbrück’s arm gave way and Karp ran, ran as fast as he could dropping the severed limb along the way but keeping the code safe.

He made it to the server office as the sun set.  Shaking in fear he trembled, typing in the last commands in such a state he didn’t notice the typo in the name of “Tumbler”, the Missing e went missing for the first time there and then.  He activated the site.  Bloggers poured in, the rest as they say is history but you don’t know the true history.

You see, the first few bloggers died after only a couple posts.  Mysterious circumstances involving Missing Eyes and Missing Ears.  Missing Es, they were, for the code was cursed.  Delbrück hadn’t merely held onto the code that day in the morgue but he held on still from beyond the grave.  Karp realized it immediately and deleted the codes, burnt the notes, hid the secrets.  And for several years, tumblr was at peace.  It grew and prospered, and all was well.

Until the Missing e extension.  It doesn’t contain the exact code to be sure, if it had we would all be dead.  But it’s just close enough to tear a seam between the worlds of the living and the dead.  Delbrück waits in the depths of hell until it’s installed on enough blogs to open a gateway, a gateway through which he can return to reap his horrible revenge upon us all.

So please, don’t ask me to use the extension any longer.  Let the e stay hidden.  Let the dead remain dead.  And let us all remember that which lies in wait behind the thin veil of code, I hope, never to awaken again.

(via myniamh)